Sometimes I want to change my name, but not tell my kids. That way when “Mom” gets said on constant loop I can just ignore them.
Other times I think about how long I can hide out in relaxing places like the grocery store.
I don’t want it to sound like I don’t love my kids, because I do. But sometimes they make it very hard to focus on the task of making them into upstanding men, instead of running away, screaming into the night....
Their little brains can’t comprehend the sacrifices I gladly make for them.
Motherhood is not for girls, but for women who can defy all the crazy shit that comes along with it.
And I’m guessing some of us don’t get the real praise and appreciation we deserve.
Sure, we can look forward to a Mother’s Day clay pot, breakfast in bed, or macaroni necklaces.
But is that REALLY what you need?
No, no, no….
So today, in celebration of what it means to be a mom, I want to tell you all the things your Mother’s Day card should say.
Dear Mom,
This Mother’s Day I want to do something REALLY special for you. Cherish this shit, you may never hear it again.
1. Thanks for giving up that last slice of apple pie, we know it’s your favorite and is a pain in ass to make.
2. I really appreciate it when you answer my inane questions through the bathroom door. You always know the answer to stuff like why birds always poop on my swing set.
3. I’m sorry that your boobs will never be perky again. 30 of months nursing me should get you some kind of award.
4. You should have a glass or wine (or five). After listening to us fight for the last 3 hours, you deserve it.
5. I apologize for knocking on your bedroom door as soon as dad unstraps your bra. I can get myself a glass of water.
6. I feel so much healthier now that you make us eat kale and other leafy green vegetables.
7. You don’t need to buy me new clothes, I’m cool with last year’s wardrobe.
8. From now on I’m going to start eating my entire school lunch. Hell, give me more carrots!
9. I’m tired of watching Wizards of Waverly Place, you should put on that Channing Tatum/Ryan Gosling movie you’ve been dying to see.
10. Please allow me sort, wash, dry, fold and put away all of my own laundry.
11. Yes, I can’t wait to try that new (insert healthy recipe) you found on Pinterest!!
12. I’m sorry for lying about brushing my teeth; I know you touched my toothbrush and saw it was bone dry.
13. The fact that I can take up a Queen-sized bed, even though I only weigh 35 pounds, is jacked-up.
14. Please enjoy your “girls night out” guilt-free. Dad and I will be just fine.
15. I totally knew it wasn't OK to draw on the wall with permanent marker. I’ll clean it up.
16. Wow you pumped breast milk in your office bathroom just for me, thanks!
17. Let’s skip my 7 A.M. game lacrosse, you should sleep till 10.
18. Sometimes I run water in the sink and pretend to wash my hands. Sorry I know that’s gross.
19. My room? Already cleaned.
20. I would so much rather stay home with the babysitter. You and dad enjoy a quiet dinner, without strangers glaring at you.
21. Of course I prefer your cooking over Grandma’s.
22. Thank you for banning High Fructose Corn Syrup in our home.
23. I don’t know what the f**k I was thinking asking for a dog/ hamster/cat/ pet monkey. You know you'd be the one to take care of it.
24. It is both rude and inconsiderate of me to wake you up at ridiculous intervals.
25. I understand you have a headache; I’ll go sit quietly in my room and read.
26. Lastly Mom, I just want you know that no matter what, Dad's always wrong.
Love always,
Your kiddo
Please, oh please, share what you wish your kid would tell YOU this Mother's Day!
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3 comments:
This is a cute list! :-)
I glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day and this is an amazing list. I saw your video about juicing and other types of dieting me I'm still trying to lose some pounds before summertime I take walks, do chores around the house and eat less starch like pasta.
Thanks for reading Arlett & Lenny!
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