Thoughtful Thursday: Celebrating Life After Losing a Loved One

Today is a very special day. I had no intention of writing about it, but sometimes ignoring fear or pain can be worst than just facing it.

Oct 11, 2012 would have marked the 28th Birthday of one of the most fearless, loving and shining spirits I've ever known. Her name was Emily, and she was my best friend.

Emily left hundreds of family and friends behind they day she decided to take her own life. That day I lost a piece of my heart.

Though I have not heard her voice in over 3 years the energy of her laugh and smile is still in the forefront of my mind. Her photos and impromptu gifts are placed all over my home, a constant reminder that though her physical being is no longer in my life, she will never truly be gone.

I've experienced a spectrum of emotions over the last 3 years--- rage, guilt, sadness, betrayal, acceptance, but most of all love. When all other feelings have come and gone my love for her, and for our friendship shines brighter than anything else.

Getting Ready on My Wedding Day

My tears are not for what I've lost, but the blessing that I gained by having her in my life. The way she opened her arms to anyone in need, they way she accepted me and ALL my flaws, the way she loved her family, and the way she wanted to conquer the world with her positive, spunky, and beaming light are all things I wish to emulate.

Because of her I've learned not to take those I care about for granted. I've learned that family is not always related by blood. I've also learned that just because your loved one has left this earth doesn't mean they can't still be a constant part of your life.

I pass this photo  in my hallway everyday, my 2 soul sisters.

So today I don't mourn Emily's death. I celebrate her birth, our never-ending love, unconditional friendship, and all the ways I intend to make her proud.

Love and light from Granolaville,

Thoughtful Thursday: How to Stop Getting Sucked into Other People's Drama

You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions.  And you teach others how to behave toward you.  While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviors and actions.  By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life.

~Eric Allenbaugh

I saw this quote today and it really struck a chord with me. A few days ago I was chatting with a friend. She is going through a really difficult time right now. Her ex-husband is using their two children as pawns to cause drama, hurt her feelings, and drive a wedge between them. I feel awful that she has to experience this ridiculoous behavior because I know she is a good mother and only wants what's best for her kids.

The trouble is, I don't think she is totally without fault in this situation. It is true that we teach people how to treat us. No one can continue to make you feel anything without you first allowing them to do so.

Early on in this battle, my friend would engage the ex in mud-slinging text messages and inappropriate arguments. She allowed herself to be sucked into the drama he was tying to create. At the time, I don't think she realized the long-term consequences of her participation in this craziness. Unfortunatley, now, she is all too aware of the negativity she invited into her life.

Though it was not her intention, she was a willing participant in creating the toxic world she is currently downing in. Instead of holding her ground and staying true to what she felt was right in her gut and in her heart, she was sucked into someone elses story. By doing so she gave her ex-husband permission to continue his outlandish accusations and threats.

I relate her situation to a long family car ride. She and her ex are in the back seat fighting like children over who took the last juice box and not having enough elbow space. Meanwhile, the parents are no where to be found and no one is driving the car. It's swerving all over the road, taking out innocent bystanders.

In order to get the car back on course, she's got to step away from the fight and get back in the drivers seat. Now SHE is in control of her path towards harmony. He can continue along to her new destination or jump out of a moving vehicle.

Either way she's going to continue on the path she's chosen.

While we can't control everything that happens to us, our power lies in deciding how we react to what happens.

We will always face situations that are not a reflection of what we want. But we have a choice. We can choose to react from a place of fear, lack, or anger (which will only result in more of those feelings). Or we can choose love. Perhaps not love for the person who's hurt you, or the love for the shitty circumstances you were place in, but love for yourself.

You may think "beating them at their own game" is the only way to "win." But the truth is, the moment you decide to choose love, choose not to be sucked in, or choose to NOT be a part of the negativity you put yourself back in control.

Do you find yourself getting sucked into other people's drama? How do  pull yourself out?

Determining My Path in Granolaville,

 

Thoughtful Thursday: Staying Open to the Possibilities of Love

Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open. ~ Alexander Graham Bell

I was recently asked how to heal a broken heart. Let me first say if I had the secret to this age old question I'd be a BILLIONAIRE. 

As long as there have been human beings there has been heartache. Love can be complicated and daunting--- yet in its purest form is as simple as breathing.

No matter how many times you've found romantic love, the pain of seeing that relationship end doesn't get easier. We blame ourselves, we blame them, we blame others. We sift through all the things we could've done differently. We wonder if anyone will ever love us again and if we'll be able to give that love in return. We get angry, we get sad, and then at some point we let go.

This all doesn't happen in one day or sometimes even one year. Day by day, moment by moment we walk away from the pain and hurt of losing someone you love. At first those emotions are merely a few feet behind us. It would be so easy to turn around, reach out, grab that love and try to hold onto it.

But there is a reason why the love did not, or could not stay. It's not because you were unworthy of it. Everyone deserves to be loved.

In every case the relationship served as a way to teach you something about yourself. I had a history of finding men (boys) who I felt I could "save". They were destructive to themselves and others around them, yet I thought my love could help them change. In the meantime I would allow them to mistreat me, because in truth--- I thought that was all I deserved.

It was like I kept walking into a brick wall hoping it would turn into a door. I was so fixated on "getting through it" I didn't see the fat lip and broken spirit the wall had given me.

It took me walking far enough away from that "love", so that when I turned around it was just a blur in the distance, before I was able to see the real unconditional love that was strolling my way.

I allowed myself to be open to the possibility of a love that didn't ask me to change, that supported my dreams, and was unconditional. I let go of what I knew of love, and made way for something far deeper and more fulfilling.

It's not perfect and I'm still learning each day from the love I've found with my husband. I don't look back on my past experiences with regret or shame. My heart break served a purpose---- to open my heart for real love.

What is your advice for healing a broken heart?

Staying Open in Granolaville, 

 

Thoughtful Thursday: Karmic Love

 Karma is an ancient concept that is prevalent in many Eastern religions. It's translation is 'action' or 'deed' , which could be mental, physical, or emotional. The teachings about Karma describe all life experiences as a collection of energy; where all actions are shaping past, present, and future outcomes.

In the modern world the term has become synonymous with those who are trying to escape karmic retribution. By not putting out negative energy they hope to escape any coming back their way in the future. The reasoning is, you get what you give.

On Dec 20, 1997, at the tender age of 16, I met and "fell in love with" a boy who had it all; a job, a car, and money to spend on me. At that age what more could I ask for? He was a "bad boy" who made me feel special. Score!

Fast forward about 13 months and I'm the proud mother of a baby boy, attempting to raise him with an 18 year old man who still closely resembled a child. It only took a few months to realize that my son and I took a back seat to his friends, partying, and getting high. I thought to myself I deserve better, so I ended it.

Who could have predicted that 3 years later, to the day, I would meet the new love of my life? What a sick joke the Universe was playing on me. But he would be different, I said. I have learned so much right? So what if he had a longer rap sheet then my son's father, or drank more, or smoked more? He wasn't the same guy, I had learned my lesson. I would never waste my time again with a guy who couldn't handle responsibility or keep from getting arrested. God help me I was dumb.

Not only did this new bo cause more strife in my existence then my ex, but he did it with such finesse I wasn't convinced, even after public humiliation, that he was no good for me. I didn't know what I was worth. I truly believed he loved me and that I was not that same naive 16 year old girl.

I know, now, looking back, the sheer fact that I met disaster #2 was because I obviously didn't learn what #1 was meant to teach me. I didn't give myself enough love so I was constantly attracting men who couldn't give me enough either. Now granted I did not return to my ex, but "karmically" I did.

I kept finding various incarnations of the same selfish immature boy because I wasn't able to see my own God-given value. I don't believe I was weak, I believe I was afraid. Afraid of demanding to be treated with the respect I deserved. It is fear that holds us in the suspended state of returning to someone, or many someones we know are no good for us.

Thankfully, I realized my pattern and decided to change it. Once I was able to love to myself I attracted a man who saw and valued the real me. To this day he respects the person I am, and encourages me to fulfill my dreams.

It is up to us to change our path. Karma can be our ally or reoccurring enemy.

Do you believe Karma plays a role in your life?

Lessons Learned in Granolaville.